Benefactors

I've been around for a few years and have to this point, turned in a reasonably decent script. Along the way, there have been benefactors who I have lost contact with, but am thankful for their guidance . It is always surprising why they took interest in me, cared for me, and asked for little in return. I suspect that we all have benefactors in our experience who show up unexpected, and answer a need. There is a difference from everyday benefactors; family, friends, and loved ones who grind it out with you to some hopefully, mutual benefit. I hope that I am able to show my appreciation for them when I am with them.

The benefactors I address here are ones who as quickly as they were in my life, left in ways that I find equally perplexing; in some cases demons pulled them down as they had pushed me up. For these people I won't have the opportunity to thank them in person.

19. In a vocational program at City College and struggling outside the hours of the kitchen and lecture halls. Not as lost or confused as my peer who reached into the deep fryer to retrieve a ring but still, in search of self. An older friend in the program, Patrica E. sensed this, gave me encouragement, invited me to shared preparation of meals. Without digging into my story, Pat would confide in me about hers -and always with a light touch as not to weigh me down with drama. It amazed me that she could provide the importance of inclusion and not intrude into my discomfort zone. Also, she gave me a set of house keys in case I needed to go to a safe place. After her hopeful longtime relationship had ended, Pat moved to Reno and became a blackjack dealer. The last time I saw her was on a trip with my parents. We met at a breakfast place in the casino and I recall Pat tipping more than the entire bill. It was the way service people treated other service people in the casino, she said. It was more about how she treated others.

15. Jen. Sometimes you meet people who stop you in your tracks for various reasons but as you get to know them, layers of depth are revealed and you just want to sit back and study every facet.  People are a complicated mix of experiences, personal thought and action, an alchemy of life. When this potential is tapped we find  a humanity that inspires and encourages us to be better.  Jen is someone who in my growing years seemed to be much wiser than her time, questioning established ways and paths, full of independence and strength, a source of inspiration that life is more than baseball and everything as we knew it.  This fresh perspective led to a view I hold close to this day; I know only what I know. And sometimes, I am not sure of what I think I know. Perception is not knowledge. Maybe there are other worthwhile players than just Giants.  Other types of giants who despite feeling as outcasts in their youth built themselves into complicated inspiring people.

I am intrigued.  That spark that ignites the desire to breath, that inspires the senses .  We can exist and we can plod through life but what is it that makes us want to live, to feel , to learn, to embrace our potential?  If our worlds are open to it, there are transforming moments and people that enter our lives.  We just have to be ready.  So my sons, be ready for yours.  Those moments, those people are out there and these points of transformation will lead you to your destiny.  They require your dedication, your attention, your passion and will fulfill your potential.  Be grateful, be kind, and learn to live.  The passion of your caring will always make your living worthwhile.

21. I was working in a restaurant where we had candles on the table and remember once, a customer held the menu right over the fire. I watched the flames race up the middle of the plastic lined seafood list as our customer's realization morphed from confusion to terror. Suzette ran over and stomped it out. This was probably a better reaction than my laughing. Suzette is also the only employee in a restaurant that I have witnessed chase after a customer who tipped poorly. She not only threw the tip tray at him but cursed him out in very fine fashion. Everyone was afraid of her from that point on.

Suzette, which may or may not have been her birth name but certainly more real to me than Johnny, the name she preferred in later years. The name Johnny and lifestyle associated with it was especially problematic for me; it involved a medicinal/chemical preference and a role from teacher to dealer. Suzette however, was as funny and as sarcastic a person I will ever know. Her enthusiasm was turbo powered. She alternately enjoyed challenging and encouraging her friends. She dragged me to the funkiest and coolest clubs ; Chi Chi Club, the OnBroadway, Fabulous Mabuhay Gardens. She had her own music studio; the G-Spot and had grand plans to teach alternative classes- of which she had me slotted to teach something creative. Never anything specific but it was always a softball for my ego.

Suzette started to dabble in some hard chemicals; mostly, heroin. The oddest Christmas party I ever attended was visitng her loft on Frederick Street. I recall various people strewn about in states of slothy awakeness and only I and Diane (who began my fascination with New Orleans), herself a recovering addict, were sober. People I didn't know inviting me to try (voices,not faces)and those I did know were telling me to stay away from the stuff. If you are speaking to someone strung out it is listening to a story that never finishes..it starts to go somewhere but pauses, slows down, then starts again from some point already covered . There was a dog there, who kept me company until we left.

Another day Suzette (then Johnny) asked me to stay the night but to protect her from her junkie roommate who robbed her the night before. She was not in any condition to defend. Those of you who know me, know that this was a wise choice to select beefy, 6'3", 215# I, as protector. (My original title for the blog- "Beefy, 6'3") I sat up all night with eyes on the windows of the black kitchen, baseball bat in hand, sweating while sitting still. Johnny asked much of me. Suzette gave me music, adventure, and spirit.

9/5 addition: Suzette once wanted some really cool cafeteria trays from Lowell High School which were lime green with separate spots for food items. Problem being that Suzette at 27 did not look like a high school student, neither with the blonde streak in the middle of her punk black hair. I, being a mere 22 did resemble a high school student and helped devise Suzette as distraction while I piled in several trays in my bag. She was quite a distraction as she ate in the cafeteria. And at least for a day I can say that I did go to Lowell High School.

Years later after time in jail, in NA, and dancing at the Market Street Cinema (not me, you ninny) I saw her again by chance, at Double Rainbow. It's a bit of a blur, our conversation. Sadness permeated as faith lost is something difficult to find again. But this does not alter what was, and what I could become partly because of her belief, and faith.

37. I am a father. I got to make this gig work. But I haven't supervised people in four years. It was difficult going into a new situation as the new guy who would also supervise most of the staff. Jenn showed me how to lead and lead well. She kept her drama out of the equation; it was never about her, her needs. Staff and customers first. Upbeat, funny, able to defuse situations quickly by listening and delivering on any promises. Able to defuse bravado by finding the silliness of the posturing. Her staff was devoted to her and to her message. Also she sought our input. Her skill sets, top notch. We always felt that she would do anything for us and often she went above and beyond to protect her staff. Once I caught Jenn in a moment outside waiting for her husband to swing by and take her home. She didn't see me as I saw her pensive, engaged in thought, letting go her public persona which was all that we knew.

In the end as much as Jenn helped others, she did not allow them to help her when she needed help. And this too is a lesson that she has taught me, and something that I have learned. You can do a lot for others, but don't always go alone. Also, stay away from the guy in the loft with the smack.

Wherever you all are, I hope you are happy, healthy, and well. My life is better for having your graces, my days would be happier knowing that your karma has been rewarded.  First there must be good health enabling you all to lead the lives of value that I know you would, if you could.

8/24/10. I need to add another- really, more of a peer but her influence and culmative effect helping me to find my way owes a great debt to Kelli. She had a successful career as an accountant but wanted to slow down, step back and reinvent herself. In doing so, she found us. The Double Rainbow years and my lasting friendships and devotion to all of these good individuals; Robert, Tracey, Anne, Marcail (thank you for hosting Dexter in FL!), Gigi, Cindy, Coco and Rex, Sharone, Palmer, Niddy, Larry, Laurie, Bill and Captain Mike. Somehow I've always believed that Kelli was the secret ingredient that made us go, but ironically the one missing today.

And a true thank you for Sharane and Peter who always welcomed me into their home when I was 17. Seeing their children over the past 30 years -Gerry, Chris, and Jen, always a pleasure.  This family always showed me great kindness, treated me as if I was worthwhile and intelligent.  I am thankful for their grace and independence and perspectives that made my world bigger, better. I miss them.