Homeless

Anyone that's visited San Francisco may be impressed by the views, neighborhoods, people
(and baseball team!) but may also be surprised at the number of homeless folks that settle here. Possible reasons: we don't have the cold that reaches the chill of freezing or too many intensely hot days and a political climate that tolerates the populace. These factors, plus the Reagan cuts in social /mental health programs back in the 80's which increased the numbers of homeless to many. For a time I was bugged that some people I gave money to for coffee would pass up a 50cent cup and purchase a 1.50 cup but as my roommate at the time explained to me- people like a good cup of coffee (regardless of their income level). Not practical but a reason to live for; getting some pleasure in life.

When we exited out of Macy's a few nights ago, there was a man standing by the doorway- he said he was hungry so Maria gave him the food we had from dinner. He ate it so fast, I was afraid that he was going to eat his hand. He wanted to talk (and there's always a bit of me thinking of scams) but just taking the moment for what it was, he wanted. He cried. We listened a bit, the boys, empathetic when people are hurting - we doubled back and gave him more.

There's a guy in front of my Walgreens that always likes to talk, enjoys my relationship with the boys and no doubt knows that he can always get change from me. I enjoy talking to him but recently he's seems to be on a down slope, more ragged, speech slurred. A recent day near Thanksgiving he came closer, wanting to connect and shake my hand. I have to admit my first thought was how dirty his hands were. Might have been my second thought too.

In this city even the most compassionate/sucker would be hard pressed to coin up with everyone who asks; the numbers can be overwhelming. One evening when Maria and I left a diner on Van Ness, a red light suspending us at the crosswalk, we were immediately confronted with people coming straight to us from all 4 street corners; any similarity to a zombie movie would similar to what I was feeling . We begged off and left quickly, on the green.

I don't rationalize how I react; it's in the moment. If I feel like I can (just answering the question "do I have any spare change?"- not qualifying with what for, or why), I will. Other times, I won't. And that's alright. No logic to it; none needed. It took awhile to get to this place but that's where I am, and where I want to be. Where I need to be.

There's a man I've known for 25 years. I first met him as we was just about to go off, losing his job as a door to door salesman and with whatever mental problems about to magnify- spending too much time with yourself can do this- he's been on the street ever since. Usually he's passive, and a bit jolly in a confused mumbly way. Occasionally his demeanor is scary, angry. He goes somewhere where he cleans up, and gets new clothes but mostly he sleeps in the same places within one or two blocks. His name is Ken or Kenny. Sometimes I am surprised when he will run after me, and laughing, avoiding eye contact, he might say, "Hi Brian. You wembly them still heh heh there is" In other words, I'm not sure what he says.

Do I give Ken change because I've known him so many years? Because I feel for his plight and knew that he used to work, and used to come in to where I worked for coffee- always paying for it, until management felt the need to send him away? Do I, because at 250 # of 6'4" and muscle (no, not me- me, more like 182# and muscle) and witnessing his occasionally rage, I am a little scared of Kenny? Do I, believing that someday he might help me if I was getting mugged- and he was nearby? Instead this would more likely be the one time he speaks clearly yelling to my muggers, "hit the asshole harder- i've known him 25 years and he only gives me 50cents!"

Everyone was somebody's baby, at one time. As dirty, or worn out they might now be because of bad choices, or bad luck, I try not to forget that. Take away Maria and the boys, and I might join them.